I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
