The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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