On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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