Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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