I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
