I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
