why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
