I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
