I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
