If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Randomize
