hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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