I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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