this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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