If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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