We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
