dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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