Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
