I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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