I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
