I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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