I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
