i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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