Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
