If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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