Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Vodka?
Forever.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize