Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
