The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
