I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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