May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I still have a little drunk in my system
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
