its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize