He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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