dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
home. puking in laundry basket.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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