i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
