I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
