Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
