actually, I'm a sock model
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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