I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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