even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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