At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
