long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
