He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
