I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize