Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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