Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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