i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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