Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
