you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
