I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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