I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
