I puked a lego.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I'm just crazy horny about you
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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