i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
