Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
