This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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