She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
