I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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