Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
