drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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