i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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