Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
