Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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