I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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