her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
