True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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